Friday, January 7, 2011

Slasher Film Rules

The documents that I have found are probably some of the most important film artifacts ever. Not only are they old and important film artifacts, but they effectively explain an entire genre. Perfectly. To the point here we may never review old slasher films the same way again. I was doing some excavation around the old Meyers House from Halloween. I stumbled across a list. With further study of the list (which was old and hard to read but technicians managed to make it readable) I knew I had something big on my hands here. The list was a list of rules. And it was also entitled How To Survive a Slasher Film. The list was too good not to share. So here it is.

1. When the killer comes, stick to the small and avoid the large hiding places. Go into something like a closet or a maintanence shed to hide. The Killer generally won't think of places like that when he is looking for you.

2. If the killer is in the house while you are with a group, go out of the house and be alone. It is harder for The Killer to find and kill one of you at a time. If you are together in a group, it is almost certainly going to be a massive bloodbath. If you cannot get out, follow rule #1.

3. It is okay if a boy comes where you are. Boys can be protectors. I know that usually the boy might be your significant other and things may happen, but it is still good to have him around. (If for nothing else, than a distractionf for The Killer when he comes).

4. Drink and do drugs. Now, I know that drugs and alcohol are bad, but they really do sharpen your senses and these are drastic measures. it is good to have your senses as sharp as possible. JUST NO EXCESS!!

5. If you do happen to get a drop on The Killer and he is unconcious, drop your weapon and do not attack him. Attacking someone with a weapon is not very ladylike. Go get help instead.

6. Unfortunately, you are not stronger than The Killer. Do not try to outfight him or anything like that. If he corners you, sorry. Just sit there and scream and hope for the best. Maybe someone will come to your rescue.

7. If you hear a strange noise, go out and investigate it. it could be The Killer in which case you can escape and alert the proper authorities.

8. If one of you claims to know that A Killer is out killing, air on the side of caution. I mean, how often does that happen? Laugh it off and assume that the ramdom dissappearances of your friends is just some elaborate prank.

9. Only do anything to fight if you are the last person standing. That means that the other rules have failed. But I repeat: ONLY IF YOU ARE THE LAST ONE STANDING DO YOU DO ANYTHING TO FIGHT THE KILLER.

10. Cars are perfect escape tools. For one thing, they're enclosed spaces so one the ever so rare occasions that it doesn't start when a Killer is loose, you can follow Rule # 1 effectivley.

11. If something comes up that the previous 10 rules didn't cover, start combining rules to fit the situation.

So there you have it. Doesn't that totally explain the Slasher Genre? Doesn't that account for ever dumb move ever made by people in those movies! It was certainly a revolytionary find. But not quite as revolutionary as what we found on the back of the list. Something that explains even more.

Thank you for this list. we know that it will be very helpful

Freddy Kreuger
Jason Voorhees
Michael Meyers


Charles Lee Ray (Chucky)


Victor Crowley

We'll pass this on to the others. You've been very helpful

But wait!!! I found a third piece of this document!! It is another part that explains the horror genre even more.

Uh-oh. Well, I will devote my life to stopping all of you!! I will tell everyone what you are up to!! Now that I know what to do I will not stop until every retarted teenager knows how to survive a horror movie.


          Randy Meeks

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