Saturday, March 5, 2011

The five smartest slasher girls of all time.

Well, here's another slasher blog of mine. I already did the best/worst 5 Freddy Kills, Wading Through the Mud to Find the Diamond, and i think there was another one I can't remember and I'm far too lazy to go through my blog and find out. I was going to do 5 dumbest to but it's hard to narrow it down to 5. It was hard enough coming up with 5 smart ones. 


#5. Tatum Riley-Scream. With all of the girls that Ghostface attacks in the movies (except for the sub-par but still vaguely likable 3rd film) he has to earn his kills. Tatum is no exception. Yes it takes her a while to figure out that her life is in danger when she has her one-on-one moment with the killer, but once she does...hoo boy, she beats the ever loving s*** out of him. I mean come on, she throws multiple glass beer bottles at him so hard that when they hit him they break. That had to hurt. A lot. Eventually Ghostface figures out that Tatum's Bane is kitty doors, but until then, it is a one sided Tatum-dominated fight.

 #4. Casey Becker-Scream. Okay, yes I know that she still might not be totally bright when it comes to her scene, but considering what pretty much every other opening kill girl does in other slasher films, things like getting into a car, going into a closet, cornering themselves basically, she is a friggin' genius. She figures Ghostface is close so what does she do? She goes to the knife rack and pulls out the biggest friggin' knife she can find. Ghostface is close so she bashes him in the face with the phone. He gets close so she knees him in the balls. Yes she did get the Friday the 13th question wrong but there was no way to answer that right. If she had answered Mrs. Voorhees then Ghostface would have said "ooh sorry, Jason was the main killer of the series." Considering everything, she totally deserves to be on the list.

#3.  Nancy Thompson-A Nightmare on Elm Street. Once we're in the sequels, she's not exactly the brightest. Even in the first half she doesn't do very well. She manages to use her wits to evade Freddy the first time and I suppose it was luck the second, but once she figures out how to beat, she goes all out. If Freddy wasn't undead and all, the first trap she set alone would have led to a slow and excruciatingly painful death. I mean come on, sledgehammer in the ribcage? Nice. All of the traps ultimately work and she figures out how to beat him once and for all (until the sequels) She does pretty well.

#2. Sidney Prescott-Scream. She knows what to do if a serial killer is on the loose and she follows her own advice...well, she tries to. She locks herself in with the killer but how could she have known that? Ghostface has tried to kill her many times and she keeps outsmarting him and generally beating the crap out of him (Ghostface kills because he gets lucky.If he was attacking 200 pound weight lifters he wouldn't stand a chance). But, she generally does things that it would never occur to a normal final girl to do. Like when the only thing that is standing between you and the killer is the door, block the door. She knows it's probably a good idea so she does it. And she survives because of it. Of course, having Randy around telling her how and when the killer is going to attack doesn't hurt either. But other slasher girls would ignore him. She takes his advice.

And who beats Sidney Prescott as the smartest girl in all of slasherdom? Well, I'll tell you. It may surprise you...

#1. Ginny Field-Friday the 13th Part II. I know what you may be thinking: "How on earth did a character from a Friday the 13th film make it to the top of Lord Naseby's 5 smartest slasher girls list?" Well, I'll tell you how. The second movie is ending pretty much the same as any other Friday the 13th or Halloween or any generic slasher film really, The deranged unstoppable killer is chasing the one girl left alive and she corners herself. Except in this instance, luck+brains means that she will survive this night. See, in the shed she has cornered herself in she finds the severed head of Pamela Voorhees and her sweater. So, Ginny grabs the sweater, puts it on and hides a machete behind her back. So, when Jason comes crashing through the door she talks to him like his dead mother. Jason having the intelligence of a 5 year old totally buys it. here is what she says: 

"'s all done Jason. You've done your job well and Mommy is pleased." 

*Jason lowers his pick-axe* 

"Good boy. Now come to Mommy. Come on. Mommy has a reward for you." 

*Jason raises his pick-axe* 


*Jason lowers the pick-axe and tilts his head.  

"Jason, mother is talking to you. Come on, good boy. Now, kneel down. That's a boy. Kneel down, kneel down Jason. That's my good boy. that's a good boy, good Jason." 

It totally works. UNTIL...see, Ginny raises the machete to bring an end to Jason and the whole miserable series, and Jason notices the severed head of the real Pamela Voorhees so that's when it stopped working. 

But considering all of the stupid stuff final girls have done, isn't that just genius? She pretends to be Jason's dead mother in order to kill him (I wish it had worked). 

So there you have it. The top 5 smartest slasher girls of all time. Agree or disagree, comment below!


  1. Cool list,
    I saw Scream recently, mainly because you recommended it so much and I liked it more than I thought I would, definitely the best modern slasher I've seen...

  2. Thanks! yeah, it's my favorite one for sure. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon would probably be #2. Glad you liked Scream!

  3. Gawd where is Jamie Strode...she's da bomb! No one fucked up the psycho like she did!

  4. If you have the drop on the killer and drop the knife that isn't very smart.