Sunday, February 13, 2011

My review of Troll 2. Learn from my mistakes. Don't watch this.

The creators of the movie Saw originally planned for Jigsaw to threaten Dr. Gordon and Adam by saying "saw off your foot or watch 5 minutes of Troll 2" This was discarded because it wouldn't shock the audience if Gordon sawed off his leg to avoid seeing this. That would be too obvious.

I kid you not, as I was watching this movie, the evil powers of this monstrosity started a fire in my dorm room. I am not kidding. The fire alarms went off!!! There was actually smoke and there was something that the firemen had to put out. THAT'S HOW BAD THIS MOVIE IS!! NO I"M NOT KIDDING ABOUT THE FIRE!!!

Old Scooby Doo cartoons have more dignity than this. Plus the characters are a million times smarter. The screenplay is a million times better.

I started crying while watching this. No, not crying, my eyeballs began dissolving They couldn't take what they were seeing and they began to dissolve. I can't say I blame them. The memory of this movie will be burned in my brain forever. I went to the hospital to get my eyes fixed and the doctor was curious as to why I went blind simply watching a movie and despite my warnings, he was it and then HE went blind too. I should have listened! I should have listened to the countless people who saw this before me and said that this one should not be viewed for any reason. Why didn't I listen? What was to be gained from seeing this? Why? WHY? WHY WAS THIS MONSTROSITY MADE!? If I was forced to pick between this and Slaughter High...I would request a gun and one bullet. I need to watch something now to erase the memory of this film. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES IS THIS FILM TO BE VIEWED!!! HEED MY WARNING!!! DO NOT FALL INTO THE SAME TRAP OF CURIOSITY THAT I DID!!!! WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN, CANNOT BE UNSEEN!!! I BEG OF YOU!!! DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM!!!

Final Score: -500000000000000000/40 (H)

TRIVIA TIME: 1. In fall 2007, during a special screening in New York, the cast members said that during production, they had serious doubts about how the movie would work. Most of the crew spoke only Italian, and the director insisted that the lines be read verbatim.

2. Don Packard, who played the store owner, said in Best Worst Movie (2009) that he was on leave from intermittently staying in a mental hospital when he filmed Troll 2 (1990), and when he watched it later, he could see that he was not acting in his scenes - he really was as disturbed as his character. Big f****** surprise.

3. The infamous "Oh my god!" scene from the movie has been viewed on YouTube nearly three million times. So, nearly 3 million people went temporarily blind from the pain of watching this.

Oh, and I'm sure you all know this but for those of you who don't, there is not a single f****** troll in this movie. Only Goblins...who live in a town called Nilbog. subtle no?

This is an add on to the review.

I recently watched the Documentary Best Worst Movie. And, I saw just what this movie has done to the world and...They all know that this movie f**** up on every conceivable level, but they love it anyway. So, I must give the film credit for that. If only a little. so I will be adding 10% to the rating. Could I watch it again? maybe. But it would have to be in the setting of a bunch of adoring fans who laugh their heads off at every line. Then maybe I could watch it again. I couldn't do it alone. I don't suggest you do either. It's still the worst movie I've ever seen, But everyone knows that it is just that: The worst movie ever.

Although, one last thing: The director of the film said that he made the film to be about important issues (And no I'm not kidding about this) "Issues like Eating, living, and dying" That's what he made the film about: Important issues like Living, eating, and dying" Yeah. That's the stupidest thing I've heard since...well, take your pick of the lines from the movie.

Final Score: 5/40 (?) 10%

Stunning costume design right?

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