Monday, July 18, 2011

My review of Transformers: Dark of the Moon

There is a harsh lesson that I have learned over and over again during my time as a film watcher/critic: There is no movie so bad that the sequel cannot be worse. It was tried before by Michael Bay, he tried made Transformers 2 so bad that many felt that the only way for this one to go from 2 was up. How wrong I was. I expected something to be good in this one but there was simply nothing at all. And yes, I will stick to my belief that this movie was in fact, worse than Revenge of the Fallen.

Acting/characters: In the very beginning they show that Sam is now a total jerk. They make him unlikable from the very start. SHUT UP ABOUT THE STUPID MEDAL YOU GOT!!! He spends the whole first half of the movie complaining about who knows what (I tuned it out after the 300th time he got started). His new girlfriend (after Megan Fox was fired for calling Bay a Nazi which, as much as I dislike Bay, a guy who serves a leader who kills millions of people and a guy who makes really really really bad movies aren't the same type of person at all) basically has a carbon copy role of the one Megan Fox had: eye candy. She's there because she can still look picture perfect in the middle of a war zone. Thankfully Sam's parents are in here a lot less but they are both still really really stupid people. The Transformers themselves might as well not even have personalities just because they are there to destroy/be destroyed. In fact, that' the whole point of the movie. The characters themselves are incidental to the rest. But if you look at it closely everything else is incidental. I could finish the review here by rating the other 3 categories as 'incidental.' It was just made to show people what a Michael Bay explosion looks like but if they want that, they can see another film of his. Any other. But I digress, everything about the acting and the characters was horrible. 0/10

Plot: I'm not sure I even know. Like I said, it was incidental. It's more or less a carbon copy of the first two: Optimus has to save something or other and all seems lost but then they all come back and save the day. Something like that. But it is all just a big setup to show giant robots fighting and explosions going on around them. you could really just interchange action scenes from this one with the other two. but the snippets of plot that they did put in there (namely, introducing how much of a dick Sam turned out to be) were just so poorly done I have to wonder if anyone thought about it at all. It just didn't do anything but set up the action scenes. 0/10

Screenplay: Don't even get me started on this abomination. This is why I consider 3 to be worse than 2. I mean come on, who on Earth looked at this screenplay and decided that it had the remotest quality to it? I don't even know where to begin on how horrid the screenplay was but I'll try my best. Here are some of the worst quotes ion the film:

"I'm going to kick you!!"

"You may lose faith in us, but never in yourselves."

"You didn't betray me, you betrayed yourself."

Actually, let's just go ahead and say that anything that came out of Optimus's mouth was ear-splittingly bad. The same goes for Sam really. I don't even call it a screenplay it's more like Chinese Water Torture. If you must see this, see it with ear-plugs. 0/10

Likableness: There was nothing to like. The Dialogue was bad, they characters were made so we didn't care, the plot was virtually non-existent, and they OVERUSED SLO-MO!!! I wouldn't see this again if I had the choice. I only saw it now because a good friend of mine had free tickets. BTW, don't see this in 3-D there no 3-D here. It was worse than 2. I don't know how they did it but they did. They made a movie worse than 2. It's unbelievable. 0/10

Final score: 0/40 0% (H)
Tomatometer rating: 36%
Tomatometer rating if my review was added: 36%

TRIVIA TIME: 1. During filming in Washington, DC, the 2011 Chevrolet Camaro that plays Bumblebee was struck by an metro police K-9 SUV responding to a bomb alert. The police officer involved sustained minor injuries, and Bumblebee sustained considerable damage. Filming was able to continue, as there were copies of each automobile for shooting purposes.

2. The "dark of the moon" is defined as a phase (approximately three days) when the light of the moon is obscured, and thus absent (i.e. a no-moon time), and precedes the new moon and the beginning of a new lunar cycle. Symbolically, it represents a time of inner stillness and contemplation, and preparedness for a new beginning.

3. Production stalled in Chicago as Gabriella Cedillo, an extra was seriously injured driving her own car as background for a stunt shot. The stunt was taking place in the opposite lane and a metal object (rigging from a snapped cable) went flying through her windshield and struck her in the skull. Cedillo suffered permanent brain damage, including left side paralysis and limited vision in her left eye. Paramount Studios provided an undisclosed amount of money to cover the cost of her medical care.

4. Michael Bay described the tone of the film as "a homeland version of Black Hawk Down with giant alien robots." Screw you Michael Bay. You couldn't begin to make a movie that good.

5. During the highway chase, a Decepticon is thrown into the oncoming traffic and obliterates a car. This exact crash is in The Island, another Michael Bay film. However, instead of a piece of metal, it is a transformer.

6. Michael Bay compared Megatron to Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now: "He's hiding in the jungles of Africa, nursing his wounds and vainly hiding his pulverized visage while plotting - what else? - revenge!" BTW Mr. Bay, Kurtz wasn't planning revenge. He was waging war. Yeah, Kurtz and Megatron are not a darn thing alike. Moron.

I love money and explosions, that's all you need to know about my latest film...actually, that's all you need to know about any of my films.

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