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Sunday, August 28, 2011

My review of House of the Dead

The second you see the letters U W E B O L L arranged in the dreaded order that spells the name of the horrible German director (Lou Woll) in the opening credits, you know you are in a for a bad film.

Acting/characters: Shallow, generic, and underdeveloped that's all I can say about them. I kept hoping that there would be someone in the whole film who I would think "maybe this one will be different and kinda likable" out of the whole cast, no one fit that bill. I can't even remember their names without looking them up with the exception of Kirk. Even as I write this, their names and faces slip from my mind. That is for the best I feel. I just do not care about them whatsoever. Who could? Maybe the 3 or 4 people out there who like this film say 'the characters are so incidental because this is a cheesy action flick and nothing more.' To those 3 or 4 people (including Uwe Boll) I say, if I want this many faceless characters, I'll go play the video game itself. It's a movie so it should have at least one character worth anything. This doesn't. Plus, the character who narrates the film is so dumb. Well, not just him, the whole concept of the character. A narrator is our protagonist. We are seeing the film from his or her eyes. This guy wasn't in the film for the first third of it. Once he was you never got to really know him at all. It's like he was just there and was narrating it in passing later. I dunno maybe the script did have a likable character, well if so, the actors killed it. They all absolutely sucked. I think one of them went on to do something worthwhile after They were monotonous, blank, and uninteresting. 0/10

Plot: I've read the plot to the original game. This one is supposed to be a prequel to that game in a matter what angle you look at it from the two are not connected plot-wise at all. This would be fine I suppose but Uwe Boll decided to use a plot that has been circulating on the Slasher Genre for decades: Teenagers at a party in an abandoned location are being killed off. So, not only did he not even try to tie it into the actual source material itself, he decided to use an old, over-used plot to do it. Way to go Uwe! You've sunk to a new low. At least I haven't seen the plot to Alone in the dark 50 times in 50 different movies like this one. You didn't even try. You didn't even try. 0/10

Screenplay: If I asked Uwe Boll what he thought about the script for this film he would give me a blank stare and say 'the what for my film?' an exaggeration to be sure, but not that much of one. Some lines in there just had my head ringing. Which ones?...all of them...yeah, all of them. I don't know who wrote this screenplay or why but they should be banned from ever making a screenplay again. This comes off like some kid wrote it. No offense to kids. Come on people this is a movie1 You get paid to do this! Now I'm not saying it has to be Casablanca but can you please not try to outdo Troll 2 in terms of stupidity? 0/10

Likableness: I add Uwe Boll to my list of directors who love slow-mo too much (move over Michael Bay and Zack Snyder). And he's just friggin' lazy too. There is one shot that he reuses 4 DIFFERENT TIMES!!! I mean come on! Twice is pushing it but 4!?!?! I highly disliked this film and I will probably never watch it again. I would advise everyone who has not seen this to go and watch something better. Like the Garfield movie (oh snap) and leave this alone. It was terrible. I give this one a solid 0/10.

Final Score: 0/40
Tomatometer rating: 4%
Tomatometer rating if my review was added: 4%

TRIVIA TIME: 1. The fisherman with the hook (gaff) at the beginning of the movie is a reference to the killer in I Know What You Did Last Summer.

2. At the beginning of the movie, Greg says, "Who's the U-boat captain?" when he sees Capt. Viktor Kirk. Prochnow was the captain in Das Boot.

3. Jonathan Cherry burned 30% of his hand on the second day of shooting. The scene on the bridge, where he hurts his hand, was shot later, to explain the bandage he had to wear.

4. Reviews were so bad that Danish cinemas refused to buy it.

5. House of the Dead is the last film to use the turn-table technique for 360° shots. The risk of actors being hurt or killed by the fast-moving camera was too much., the opening joke I use sucks doesn't it? well, compared to the actual movie it's a great joke.

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