Monday, October 10, 2011

My review of Birdemic: Shock and Terror

I never thought it would happen, I never thought it would happen. It just goes to show that Naseby's First Law of Film (copyright pending on that) is correct: A film can never be so bad that something else cannot be worse. Naseby's Second Law of Film applies that to sequels. Anyways...

Acting/characters: I don't even know what to say about this. I just don't. I'm not even sure there were any characters in the film. I just don't even...Nope, I have come to the conclusion that the 'people' we saw in the film were merely cardboard cutouts that got splattered with paint and stuff like that when they died. As such, there cannot be any acting. I am of course fooling myself as that would be the best scenario for this. Alas, there are people out there who act as bad as this. There are characters out there that are as poorly developed as this. Now, how is this possible? How can the acting in this be worse than Troll 2? I don't know. My brain is still trying to reboot. It attempted to shut down on me many times. But that aside...I don't even know how to describe this. It was horrible. 0/10

Plot: well the film is 1:33:00 minutes long. 45 of those minutes are spent doing...nothing really. Those opening 45 minutes could have been summed up in about 10 minutes. About 5 minutes of that were pauses in the dialogue while the camera cut to the person whose turn it was to talk next. The second half is somehow just as bad. It is what we came to see but I don't even know what happened a lot of the time. The whole reason for the bird attacks is only vaguely hinted at really. You never get a solid explanation. I would list all of the questions that I have with this film but I only have 23,278 characters left and I would run out of room on this review before I even got 1/3rd of the way done. As the final failure, IT WAS PREACHY!!!! And not just a little either, BIG TIME PREACHY!!! There was a lot about the environment and global warming and tree hugging (please kill me now) and protecting the Earth (yes please kill me now) and we are astronauts and we need to protect our spaceship. Yes, that's an actual line from the film. 0/10

Screenplay: I wouldn't call the dialogue in this film a real screenplay. No one would. I mean, how on Earth could you? it's like they just picked random phrases out of a hat that had numbers at the top and they spoke in order with the numbers. was worse than that. Somehow...No human being I know speaks like that. Except for Tommy Wiseau. But really who wrote this? It was horrible beyond belief. 0/10

Likableness: There was nothing to like about this movie. If it is worse than Troll 2. The special effects in this film would embarrass a NES game. Never watch this film. I know I had to but HEED MY WARNING! Do not see this film! Everything you need to know about this film can bee seen right here in my review. Ignore this fact, if you come across any copies just destroy them. The film only looked like it cost about 5 dollars to make so it's no great loss. There was not a single likable thing about it. at least Troll 2 and The Room had the 'so bad it is hilarious' thing going for it. No such luck here. It was past that kind of bad. 0/10

Final Score: 0/40 0% (H)
Tomatometer rating: 15%
Tomatometer rating if my review was added: 14%

and they made another one

TRIVIA TIME: 1. When this film was rejected from the Sundance Film Festival, James Nguyen promoted his film by putting banners, fake blood, and fake birds all over his van. He would drive around to advertise until it caught the attention of Severin Films, which then distributed this film.

2. James Nguyen spent four years making this movie.

3. James Nguyen got the idea of this film from watching The Birds and An Inconvenient Truth.

The effects are still worse than this picture indicates

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